Throwback # 2
So, here I am yet again at the crossroads of life. There are multiple paths in front of me, each one holding its own mysterious outcome. Which way to go? I still feel like a child in some respects.
That is, I don’t feel like I am qualified to make these decisions on my own. I feel like some random adult should walk up to me and say, "Now Joe, you don’t want to go down that way. That way is a dead end. Don’t even think about taking the path on the right. You need to take that path on the left.’’
Then I’ll smile and thank them, and with a sigh of relief I’ll go on my way. It doesn’t work that way, however. The tale of madness that is my life refuses to define itself by anything other than confusion.
Uneasiness. A mystery wrapped in a riddle and dipped in a vat of steamy hot self-doubt. I live within the confines of I don’t know and who am I? My days are so filled with searching for answers, I’m not sure how I’ll spend my time if I ever do figure it out.
Sixty percent of my waking hours are devoted to searching for answers while work, family, personal cleanliness, and household chores comprise the other forty percent. Regret and depression have become close companions of mine, while melancholy and defeatism talk jealously amongst themselves. I sometimes feel like I’ve discovered the answers I have so earnestly searched for, only for them to be revealed as apparitions of the truth. I seek truth. Truth of one’s self.
I seek enlightenment of the body, soul, and spirit. I seek freedom from the confines of mediocrity. As Columbus, I search for a new world to which I can stake my claim. A place I can stake my future and my calling and my hope. Where I can live among the Braves and the roaming buffalo. I want to run from border to border proclaiming my freedom from the tyranny of mediocrity. The tyranny of mediocrity. That’d make a pretty good title. That phrase sums up the last twenty years of my life. I have lived on the corner of Mediocre Drive and Compromise Loop my entire adult life. I own a decent three-bedroom, single bath brick home there.
I think it’s time for me to put a ‘For Sale’ sign out in the front yard. Or better yet, burn it to the ground and never look back.